The Joy of Infomercials!


I love infomercials. Really and truely. There are very few things I find more entertaining. I love the over-enthusiasm for the product, and the forced banter between the 'host' and the product demo guy. I love flipping through the channels and coming across an hour long comercial for a litter box that cleans itself.

If I was a millionaire, I'd buy every product I see on TV. I would then be living the most relaxed, healthy, time-saving, inexpensive, mold-free life possible.

Even though I cannot purchase everything, I have owned a few of these "as seen on TV" items:





I used the "Perfect Pancake" once. In an effort to unstick the first pancake from the pan, I snaped the handles clean off. The pancake burned.

 

 

I currently own and use the Miracle Blade 3 knifes. They are awesome! While I haven't cut through any military issue assualt boots, I did use them to saw off the bottom of my christmas tree, and they were still sharp enough to cut through a tomato.

The tomato, however, tasted strangely like pine.



My favorite, though I do not own it, is the Foodsaver 800. It's the machine which vacuum seals your food so that it will last until the day when monkeys will rule the world. This infomercial should win an award. It's fantastic. Whatever your favorite show is, this informercial is better.


 

 


There are, however, a few improvements which I think could be made to this item. First off, the name. Foodsaver 800? COME ON!! This is the twenty first century. Anything numbered lower than 3000 is considered worthless. I'm conviced sales would triple if they would change the name to something like:

Foodsaver 4000 Turbo!

Or they could tap into the whole Apple trend with:

iFoodsaver

Or for the diet craze:

Zero Carb Food Saver
"seal your food away so that you can never eat it,
you fat pig!"

Or, they could always cash in on the post 9/11 market:

Anti-Terrorism Foodsaver
"it declares jihad on mold!"

I also found a few excerpts from the users manual to be a bit confusing. For example, take a look at this first excerpt which explains how life will be easier once I have the Foodsaver:

Call me crazy, but I don't see how delivering meals to shut-ins saves me money, time, or effort. In fact, it would cost me more money. Not only do I have to shell out $130 for the Foodsaver, but now I have to provide meals for the elderly as well? I"m going to save so much time and effort as I drive all over the city giving away food.

Why can't "those who can't get out" order a freakin' pizza? Why do I have to hand deliver free meals! Apparently if I buy a Foodsaver I turn into some kind of Food Santa.

So, as a result of their shoddy advertising, I decided to put the Foodsaver to work, and show others what benefits would come with a Foodsaver around the house...